Circle of Life

I have decided to high-jack my normally book focussed blog with a personal update.

I have become a father.

The past 48 hours have been surreal for me and I have yet to really understand how I feel about the whole thing, or more accuratly, how I feel I fit into my new role in the world.

In a deleted scene the new cub ate the annoying ape.

Its been very odd for me as when I first found out that I was going to be a dad, I reacted very poorly. I wanted nothing to do with the mother or with the baby. I was scared, and I reacted in a fashion that I an ashamed of. Very quickly I realised that I was an idiot and became pro baby and was keen to be involved in the life of my as yet unborn child, even if it seemed like the rest of my family were not.

Things have not been easy between the mother and I for some time. This is my fault, because of my initial reaction, but I have spent the better part of 8 months trying to prove that I acted without truly thinking about things. Suffice to say, that up until the actual birth, I felt like the mother was going to make things extremely difficult and the chances of me being allowed to be involved with the child was slim to nil.

One of the things that she had told me was that she would inform me of any appointments etc. so that I could of course go. This did not happen. There were arguments when I found out she had been keeping a lot from me. I must point out that whilst this does sound like I am making her out to not be nice, this was all in reaction to me being horrible, so its very understandable.

At last! Things looked like they were improving as I got told about a scan and asked if I wanted to go, and then go shopping for appropriate baby things afterwards. I of course jumped at this olive branch. I had already been sending the mother 100+ pounds a month to make sure that she could get essential bits and pieces.

On a side note, things with my family were deterioriting with constant questions from my mother such as "I hope you are getting a DNA test"

"Why?"

"Because you do not know if it is yours"

"It is mine. Would you ask Rob (my brother) to get one if Sarah was pregnant?"

"Of course not. They are together"

"So were we"

"mmmmmmmm"

This continued on for some time. To this day, I believe (or at least I choose to in order to stop myself from snapping at my parents) that they were simply overreacting because they were worried about me, and that as my mother had not met Katie (due to her being horrible to every girlfriend I have ever introduced her too) that she was stressed. Added on to this is their stress of selling the massive falling to pieces townhouse (more to follow on this in a bit) and my fathers ticking clock of life. Again, they are wonderful people and I could not have picked better parents, it is just apparent to me now that my family and myself do not react well in high stress situations (unless they involve fire or other forms of sudden terror, buts that's another story).

We went for the scan, and it was a great day. Annoyingly, after three attempts the baby decided that it would not play ball and so the sex was indeterminate. Sigh. So led us to having to refer to the baby as it for another five months. It gets awkward and old very fast. On the up hand, we did decide on names. Well, we, and decide, don't go well together. We both agreed that should it be a boy, Charlie would be his name. She decided that Ruby would be her name if it was a girl. I was not happy with this as it seemed like a great name for a little girl, but I thought she would resent it when older (I kept imagining her name being spoken at a degree ceremony and I cringed every time).

Things between the mother and I reverted to non talking, or to be precise, me trying to talk to her and her not having any of it. The hormones made this WAY WORSE! Like being fired out a cannon into a lightning storm wrapped in tin foil bad.

The due date approached.

I would text and ask "how are you" and I would get the same reply again and again "fine".

War and Peace right there I tell you.

Well New Years Eve came about and I was in my flat, by myself, not able to drink or do anything. This went on for TWO WEEKS!

Someone at work told me that she was being induced on the upcoming Friday as she was late. I was a bit annoyed that I hadn't been told this, but again, one must choose his battles. Plus, what is the point in getting angry about something that I cannot change.

Well at long last, at 1:55 am on Saturday the 12th January 2013, my daughter was born.

Connie Williams (not my last name, but I'm modern enough to be cool with that).

"Everybody was kung fu fighting! But that kid is as fast as lightning"

As you may have guessed, I am quite stoic with my feelings and tend not to display them. However, holding my daughter for the first time, the first time I have held any child, and I was sold. She is perfect. She has my toes, as Katie asked me "do you have big feet?"

"Yes, size ten and a half"

"She has your feet then, as she has big feet for a baby".

She also has my hands, as she has finger nails that reach back to her first joint like I do, but Katie's are short. She has Katie's nose. But I think she has my expression lol.

Please also take note that Katie knitted the blue blanket featured in both photos. I hope that Connie has her mothers artistic creativity and talent.

I feel like I am floating on a cloud, and it will be sometime before I settle down and realise the breadth of emotions that I feel.

Sadly, for every happy story out there, there is a tragedy. For every demon slain at the hands of white knight, another hero is cut down in his prime whilst fighting the good fight.

A very good friend of mine posted in his blog about the birth of my little one, and when I read it I was touched by his eloquent words. When reading his post Dishwasher Chronicles #2 I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that the other person mentioned was the little brother of a friend of mine.

It was.

Chris Bramhall was eight years old when it was discovered that he had a super rare type of cancer. It cost 25k to get him each treatment. Through the hard work of his family and the kindness of many, a few treatments were paid for and Chris went to the states for them.

Sadly, on Friday night the mighty fell.

He fought for every inch of life that he had and he lived more in his few years than I feel most of us do in a lifetime. He was full of life and a real character and I had the pleasure of meeting him a few times and was humbled by the bravery he showed in life.

When my time comes I hope I can manage even half of the dignity that Chris had.

I do not know what the fate of Chris' charity will be, but I hope that it can go on to help others.

Lastly, whilst all of this was going on, I had to remove the last of my belongings from the house that I grew up in as my parents have finally sold it and it will be turned into flats. This is not important when held against what I have just written about, but in the space of 48 hours I have seen the final death of my childhood and the insular family life I used to know. I have held the miracle that is my daughter and I have known the sadness from the loss of someone far too young.

The past several months have been very difficult for me and my emotions have been a roller-coaster. I could go from moody to happy at the drop of a hat. I have not been alone though.

I do not like putting labels on friendships but in this case it is well deserved. My best friend Stuart Wetherell has been a bastion of support and kindness and always someone I could vent at, or get advice from or even just provide me with a distraction when I needed to take my mind off of everything.  My big sis Holly has been a star and always knows exactly what emotions are going through my head by even the simplest raising of my eyebrows etc and has been fantastic.
My friends such as Rob Nichol, Bryn Hoyle , Simon Eggleston, Karrie and James Tilburn, Emma Griffiths and more have given me great advice on everything. I've made new friends such as Rachel Ostell, who has made me realise that I can make new friends even when feeling like the world was resting on my shoulders. Lastly my good friends Alison Torbitt and Charlotte Gilroy who are just awesome.

All in all I think you can understand why I hijacked my usual blog theme for this little update. My life is certainly never going to be the same again.

I might as well throw in a book quickly.....

Stuart bought me this. Its legendary. If you are a parent or a parent to be, go out and get a copy. Book segment done.

End of line.